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Using same words = everlasting love?


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Hey,

According to recent research, people who use the same words with similar frequency are much more likely to like each other and stay together.

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-language-of-love/

What do you think of that? I'm a bit conflicted about this "news". While it is true that my partner and I "steal" words from each other and start using them, and probably our choice of words becomes quite uniform with time, I'm not sure if this can be any indicator of how much someone is invested in a relationship. I know couples who talk and behave in very similar way but are on the verge of divorce.

Do you think that speaking "the same words" has such a great impact on relationships?

I'd love to hear your opinions!

Ania

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My husband and I use certain words/expressions in our vocabulary that has special meaning just to us. For example, when our niece was learning to walk, she would say 'woa!' in this really deep husky voice even though she was under 2 years old. So now when we are doing something, or trying to do something we will both go 'woa' in that voice. It makes us laugh and also those fun memories come flooding back. I think that is what the study must have also been seeing as a result of mutual language use. When we become connected to a person we begin thinking and feeling like that person and it is reflected in our language. I can see it in peoples humor. Because we travel abroad we don't keep up with local sit-comes, movies, etc. We like trying to keep up but usually we are behind. So my husband and I are still using one liners from shows like 'Friends' that at the time were hilarious but now just make us sound like we live in a time warp. I'm sure by now people are quoting New Girl or some other new show out there and thus the cultural morphing by use of language choice carries on! 

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I once heard that a sure way to know if someone likes you (in a platonic way) is to see if they mimic your body language.  It's a psychological thing, so I guess this is something similar?   I heard people do this also when they feel comfortable with you.  So maybe this is the same? But people do fall out of love, maybe by then they have gotten so used to each other that they just keep using the same words and expressions they have been using since they got together because it's now part of them.  

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This is certainly very interesting, but not something I've paid much attention to! My husband and I do copy each other's way of talking and tend to use the same sort of expressions and terminology. But like you say @anna3101, it's not helped some people on the verge on divorce. Could it merely be that people have been together so long that in the end it's inevitable that they start to talk and behave in a similar fashion? IDK

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My takeaway from the research is that attraction seems to be greater between two STRANGERS who use the same language. At least, since the subjects used were of participants in a speed dating activity. The subjects didn't have a relationship with each other.

As to whether common language use is predictive of successful partnership, I didn't think the research covered that.

In a follow-up study, Pennebaker compared the language used by 86 couples in committed relationships via writing samples from instant messages. He found that the more their function words matched, the more likely they were to be together three months later, irrespective of how happy they said they were in their relationships at the time.

Although I'm a bit confused with the above; 86 couples in committed relationships and they are likely to be together three months later? By committed relationship, did the researcher actually mean the speed daters maintaining communication thru instant messages? That's committed relationship? Obviously, I'm confused. LOL! (Or I'm misunderstanding the whole thing, haha!)

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20 hours ago, takibari said:

Although I'm a bit confused with the above; 86 couples in committed relationships and they are likely to be together three months later? By committed relationship, did the researcher actually mean the speed daters maintaining communication thru instant messages? That's committed relationship? Obviously, I'm confused. LOL! (Or I'm misunderstanding the whole thing, haha!)

LOL, I surely hope they did not mean speed-daters when they mentioned committed relationships :) Committed relationship should be people who have been together for years. Of course, some of these will break up too, so the way I understand the article is that they measured the probability of these people still being together (and not thinking of getting a divorce) three months later.

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It just occurred to me, perhaps the subjects in the study are actually in committed relationships (as you defined) and were asked probably to participate in the speed dating activity. After which the said participants were asked to maintain communication with the participants of the research through instant messaging.

the more likely they were to be together three months later, irrespective of how happy they said they were in their relationships at the time. = Ergo, even though the participants in the research were supposedly in HAPPY relationships (with people outside the speed-dating activity), they still were drawn to the stranger/speed-dater in the research whose use of function words were a similar match to theirs.

If the results of this research were to be replicated, I can't help but think how funny it is and a bit scary for couples in committed relationships - as theirs could just end because there comes a stranger who happens to use the same FUNCTION words with high frequency as their partner. If this were to be the case, so you guys need to be careful with your use of "the, him, as, be," etc. (After all, these are really things we use unconsciously, haha!)

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On 8.02.2016, 18:20:30, takibari said:

If the results of this research were to be replicated, I can't help but think how funny it is and a bit scary for couples in committed relationships - as theirs could just end because there comes a stranger who happens to use the same FUNCTION words with high frequency as their partner. If this were to be the case, so you guys need to be careful with your use of "the, him, as, be," etc. (After all, these are really things we use unconsciously, haha!)

I couldn't help laughing out loud when I imagined that picture :D A couple that has been married for years bumps into someone who uses same function words with the same frequency as the husband/wife, and bang! Love at first sight followed by a quick divorce, all because someone uses "the" quite often :)

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  • 4 weeks later...

In my personal opinion i would be more comfortable with someone that speaks as me xD but it's not the only factor, i think that there is an high chance for 2 strangers to feel at ease if they have the same tastes, speak at the same way etc. but obviously there are a lot of exceptions :) 

Some months ago i was reading an article about couples that after some time together (months, years) start to use their own language, inventing/mixing words etc, this happened even to me but i think that it's normal and almost all are like this :D But i was thinking that this would be very interesting if it happens between people that speak different languages!

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I don't know about the whole study...(I admit I skimmed it - sorry I'm not much of a reader! :D )

But to me it makes total sense that you like the sound of somebody's voice. Can't say for sure how huge of an impact it has on the relationship and the likelihood of the people staying together, but it definitely has a huge impact on attraction.

As for me, there are girls I simply cannot stand based on the tone of their voice, and there are girls I feel crazy attracted to - again based on their voice.

Again, I'm talking about "attraction", surely there is more going on between two people in a relationship than the sound of their voice.

That being said, having the right voice should improve the chances of the relationship surviving, right? If even by just 1%

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  • 2 weeks later...

I argue against the notion that "speaking the same words has a great impact on relationships." I think its much, much more likely that speaking the same words indicates or predicts a healthy relationship. So, it's not like the action itself is encouraging a great relationship - the action itself is the product of a great relationship.

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That's kinda accurate... Back when I was still in a relationship with my ex, we used to talk to each other, in English, Japanese and French... We would do everything from just having a simple conversation to telling each other "I love you", I even wanted to learn Vietnamese just because of him, but in the end tragedy struck and we broke up... Something like this only works if the two people are compatible... So that thesis is only so accurate...

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That's been overexaggerated to some extent. I guess, people who tend to use the same words will more likely to understand one another. And everything stems from and comes with understanding. So, to me that's partially true. However, you don't need to be the exact copy of your partner. That's so boring and chances are it won't get you anywhere. 

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