How to Write a Sympathy Letter — Your One-stop Guide

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Many people can feel unsure of what to do when someone they know loses a friend or family member.

They can feel so uncomfortable about the potential for doing or saying the wrong thing that they say nothing at all.

Writing a brief sympathy letter is a great way to let someone know that you are sorry for their loss and that you are thinking of them.

It’s a thoughtful thing to do even if you have communicated with them verbally or in another more informal way about their loss.
 

How do you write a sympathy letter?

1. Handwrite the letter.
2. Avoiding upsetting language.
3. Focus on the recipient and the deceased.
4. Use a specific memory.
5. Offer support and concrete help.
6. Stay concise.
7. Be sincere.
8. Have a thoughtful closing.
 

Handwrite the letter

This is not the time to send a text message or an email. Take the time to write out a letter.

You can purchase a card and write the letter inside the card, enclose the letter in the card, or just send the letter.

Some people hesitate to handwrite things if they are not used to it or they think their handwriting is poor and difficult to read.

If this is the case, just take your time and print carefully.
 

Avoid upsetting language or details

There are a few things you should avoid. You shouldn’t mention anything about how the person died since this might upset the recipient.

It is sufficient to saying something like “your loss.”

You should also avoid any comments such as “Things happen for a reason” or that suggest that what happened was for the best.

While you might mean well, these could be construed as insulting.
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This is also not the place to be overly casual. An expression like “it is how it is“ might be true, but it is not very tactful in this situation.

In addition, avoid reference to anything religious unless you are certain that the person shares your faith.

While some people may take a reference to prayer in the spirit that you intend it, others might not appreciate such a reference if they are not themselves religious.

Some people worry that they will not sound sincere if they use stock phrases like “my condolences” or “I’m sorry for your loss.”

The fact is that it’s absolutely fine to use these or similar phrases.

The person you are writing to is not seeking originality or planning to critique you on your word choices. These types of phrases are generally received in the way that you mean them.
 

Focus on the person you are writing to and about

You should keep the focus on the person to whom you are writing the condolence letter and the person they have lost.

In addition to addressing the recipient by name in the opening, you should also specifically name the person who has died unless you did not know them.

It’s possible that you may find yourself writing a sympathy letter to someone who meant a lot to you as well, such as the parent of a close friend.

In this situation, it can be tempting to talk about how the person’s death has affected you.

While it is perfectly appropriate to talk about what you will miss about the person, remember that your focus should be on trying to offer sympathy and comfort to the recipient, not to talk about your own experience with loss.

Some of the alternatives to “I am reaching to you“ might be helpful in the first part of your letter, such as “I am writing to you” or “I wanted to let you know,” but make sure that the language that you use is warm and strikes a balance between overly formal and too casual.
 

Use a specific memory

If you knew the person who has died, your letter will be much more meaningful if you can name a specific memory about the person.

This can be just a line or two.

Try for something more concrete than just “Shirley always had a smile on her face” since this is a somewhat generic thing to say about a person.

If you really want to mention Shirley’s smile, a better comment might be, “Whenever I came over to your house, Shirley’s warm smile always made me feel so welcome and included.”

Alternately, you could think of something more specific to Shirley: “I always think about how much Shirley enjoyed gardening and how patient she was at trying to teach us kids about the natural world.”

If you don’t know the person who has died but there is something specific the recipient has shared with you about the person before, you could make a mention of this if it is appropriate.
 

Offer support and specific help if possible

In the wake of a death, there is often a lot for the family to do. Try to offer words of support or concrete offers of help.

Support can mean just writing “I am thinking of you.”

“Let me know if there is anything I can do to help” sounds nice, but unless you are very close, the person is unlikely to follow up with you.

A better approach would be to offer something specific: “Ted and I would be happy to take the kids for an afternoon or even overnight if you need to spend some time clearing out your mother’s house.”

If you do make a specific offer of help, make sure it is something you are willing and prepared to do.
 

Keep it concise

There is a saying attributed to various famous writers that goes something like this: “I’m sorry for writing you such a long letter, but there wasn’t time to write a short one.”

What this funny observation acknowledges is that it can be more time-consuming to say something in a few words compared to a lot.

Unlike with other types of social correspondence, a sympathy letter is one time when you might want to write a “first draft” and then review it to see if there are unnecessary parts you should take out.

Overall, you should aim for concision, but allow the letter to be the length that it needs to be. If you are particularly close to the person you’re writing to, you may have more to say.

On the other hand, if you don’t know the recipient and the deceased well or you simply don’t know what to say, it’s fine to keep the letter very short and simple.

For the most part, just the gesture of writing and sending the note, even if it’s only a few lines, will be seen as kind and thoughtful and will bring comfort to the recipient.
 

Write with sincerity

While a “first draft” is a good idea, the idea behind the subsequent draft is to get rid of any unnecessary wordiness or potentially upsetting language, not to try to make the letter sound more generic and less like you.

Write in a sincere way. If you are struggling with how to put your thoughts down on paper, think about what you would say to the person if you were talking to them.

Ultimately, one of the most important things about a sympathy letter is simply that you are writing it at all.

Be yourself, and your sincerity will come through.
 

Make the closing thoughtful

At the end of the letter, try to think of a thoughtful closing remark.

This will vary depending on how close you are to the person, but here are a few examples:

“I love you and I’m thinking about you all the time.”
“Again, my condolences for your loss.”
“We are all thinking of you and wishing you our best.”

Take a look at some different ways you can say “I’m sorry for your loss.”
 

Examples of sympathy letters

It can be helpful to put all of the above suggestions together and see what some sample letters would look like.

Example of a sympathy letter to a neighbor

Sometimes, you might need to write a sympathy letter to someone that you know even if you don’t know the person who has died.

Note how the letter writer manages to make some specific comments about the person anyway.

 

Example of a sympathy letter about someone you were close to

The letter below is written to the spouse of a friend who has died:

 

Example of a sympathy letter to and about someone you didn’t know well

There may also be a situation in which you have a neighbor, a coworker or even a distant family member who loses someone and you didn’t know either of them well.

You can still write them a sympathy letter if it’s a situation in which you feel you should.

In the example below, the person is writing to an elderly neighbor that they didn’t know well but to whom they still want to offer sympathy and help.