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English Jokes

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  • 3 months later...
On 11/22/2015 at 11:26 AM, hungary93 said:

What's the difference in a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants?

Ones a crusty bus station, the others a busty crustacean.

"Ones" and "the others" need to be corrected to One's and the other's because without the verb "is", the sentence doesn't make sense.

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On 12/18/2015 at 2:55 AM, capuchin said:

A knock knock joke I heard from a tv show:

Knock knock

Who's there?

Broken pencil.

Broken pencil who?

Never mind it's pointless.

"Never mind" is spelled together, so Nevermind is correct here.

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  • 1 month later...

This is more of a riddle than a joke. What starts with "E" and ends with "E", but only holds one letter?,Think about it for a second. I first saw it on a picture meme. 

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Here are some of my favorites:

Q. How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
A. Three. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

Q. Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
A. Because he wanted to get a long little doggie.

Q. Which American president is least guilty?
A. Lincoln. He's in a cent.

Q. What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
A. Remorse code.

Q. What are the strongest days of the week?
A. Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

Q. What rock group consists solely of four men who don't sing?
A. Mount Rushmore.

A man walks into the zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a shih tzu.

A programmer is going out for a stroll one evening. His wife asks him to swing by the store and pick up a gallon of milk, and if they had eggs, to get a dozen. He returned with twelve gallons of milk and said “They had eggs.”

And finally...

There’s a summer camp for comedians, and just like all summer camps, there’s a cafeteria. One day, three of the campgoers are in the cafeteria. The lunch lady asks them what they're in the cafeteria for. The first replies, “I'm here for the tacos!” The second replies, “I'm here for the chili dogs!” And the third replies, “I'm just here for the punch line.”

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  • 3 weeks later...

Here are some of my favorite jokes:

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son of a bitch.

Whenever I fill out an application, I put doctor where it says "in an emergency notify. What's my mother going to do?

A computer may beat me at chess,but it is no match for me at kick boxing.

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  • 2 months later...

There once was a boy who was doing badly in his math class.  His parents sent him to a public school.  He still did badly.  Then they sent him to a military school.  He was still failing math.  Finally, they sent him to a Catholic school.  Suddenly, he was doing his homework as soon as he got home from school and his grades improved.
"Why are you doing better?" his parents asked.  "Was it the nuns?"
"No," said the boy.
"Was it the new textbooks?"
"No," said the boy.
"Well, what was it?" his parents asked.
"When I went into the classroom, I looked on the wall and saw a guy nailed to the plus sign, so I knew they meant business!"

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  • 2 weeks later...

This joke has been told over and over but if you haven't seen it posted somewhere on the net, here goes:

A man, a turkey in his arms, walks into a confession and says, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Will you take it and forgive my sin?"

"I'll not take it," the Priest answers, "you must return it to the one you stole it from."

"I tried," the man says, "but he refused, what shall I do, Father."

"If what you say is true," the Priest says, "then it is alright to keep if for your family."

The man thanks the Priest and hurries off.

When the Priest gets back home after the confession, he walks into the kitchen and finds out that someone stole his turkey!

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  • 1 year later...

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

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  • 3 years later...

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