English Jokes

[mmjmaske]

Post your favorite joke here! Bonus points if it doesn't work if it were translated.

No matter how hard I tried to move the envelope...

... it was still stationery.  :grin:

---

So I was outside on the farm yesterday when this cow comes charging at me and attempts to jump over the barbed wire fence...

... It was an udder disaster. 

[PashaR]

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed a man in the jungle?

[Languagetat]

You can use this joke for someone you want to tease. Say, you want to tease your brother. He can then be the subject of the joke:

My brother wasn't feeling too well, so he went to the doctor. After doing some tests, the doctor told my brother that his problem was very simple: The left side of his brain had nothing right. And the right side of his brain had nothing left!

[Traveler]

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed a man in the jungle?

Two cannibals are eating a clown. The first takes a bite, then asks the second, ¨Does this taste funny to you?¨

[Baburra]

Here is a few of my favorites..

Man 1: my wife's gone to the West Indies.

Man 2: Jamaica?

Man 1: no, she went of her own accord!

And...

Man 1: where's your wife going on holiday?

Man 2: Alaska.

Man 1: no, it's alright, I'll ask her myself.

:wacky:

Lame, I know, but it amuses me.

[Rosa]

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed a man in the jungle?

This one had me laughing. Was it that the man was so ugly or looked so much like one of the animals that caused the cannibal to mistakenly not eat him?

[Traveler]

This one had me laughing. Was it that the man was so ugly or looked so much like one of the animals that caused the cannibal to mistakenly not eat him?

¨Passed¨ in this context means ¨bowel movement.¨ So the cannibal was pooping in this context. Aside from context, there's no way to know if passed means ¨moved by¨ or ¨pooped.¨ But since the joke is about a cannibal and a man, I think it would mean ¨pooped.¨

[Hemikune]

I would imagine that these are more along the lines of riddles, but I can't think of anything else right now.

What belongs to you, but everyone else uses more than you do?

Your name.

When is a door not a door?

When it's ajar.

What can run around an entire city and never move?

A wall.

Drum roll, cymbal crash, close curtains.

[sidney]

¨Passed¨ in this context means ¨bowel movement.¨ So the cannibal was pooping in this context. Aside from context, there's no way to know if passed means ¨moved by¨ or ¨pooped.¨ But since the joke is about a cannibal and a man, I think it would mean ¨pooped.¨

I spent minutes trying to get that joke, and I swear I really didn't get it, but now I do, thanks to your explanation. Well I wonder how that poop turned out, after all, it was human flesh. 

[PashaR]

¨Passed¨ in this context means ¨bowel movement.¨ So the cannibal was pooping in this context. Aside from context, there's no way to know if passed means ¨moved by¨ or ¨pooped.¨ But since the joke is about a cannibal and a man, I think it would mean ¨pooped.¨

You got it! For some people, it takes a minute or two to get this one.

[Trellum]

I know a few:

Some scientists decided to do the following experiments on a dog.

For the first experiment, they cut one of the dog's legs off, then they told the dog to walk. The dog got up and walked, so they they learned that a dog could walk with just three legs.

For the second experiment, they cut off a second leg from the dog, then they told the dog once more to walk. The dog was still able to walk with only two legs.

For the third experiment, they cut off yet another leg from the dog and once more they told the dog to walk. However, the dog wasn't able to walk with only one leg.

As a result of these three experiments, the scientists wrote in their final report that the dog had lost it's hearing after having three legs cut off.

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A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink.

"Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink."

The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman.

"Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."

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A man is talking to God.

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"

God: "To me, it's about a minute."

The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"

God: "To me it's a penny."

The man: "God, may I have a penny?"

God: "Wait a minute."

Hehehehe, I like the second and third the most, but I think most of you have already heard the second one, with different characters tho.

[LostInSpace]

Here's one I know:

*mobile phone rings*

Man 1: Hello?

Man 2: Is Your refrigerator running?

Man 1: Yes

Man 2: You better catch it.

Man 1: OH NOES

I don't get the joke but it sounds funny.

Here's another one:

Guy: Where did my truck go?

Girl: Oh, I forgot to tell you that our house got robbed last night.

Guy: Oh dang it. Is he long legged, pissed off and a Puerto Rican?

Girl: I think so.

Guy: We got a problem here.

I know some of you will get the reference.

[NATASHA]

Wife: How would you descrivbe me?

Husband: abcdefghijk

Wife: What does that stand for?

Husband:adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant,fashionable, gorgeous, hot

Wife:Aw thank you, but what about ijk?

Husband: I'm just kidding!

[everybodyknows]

I've got one that is suitable for the upcoming Winter holidays: One snowman says to the other: "Can you smell carrots?"  :santa:

[OddVisions]

I know it's a simple one, but this is my favorite joke: Why was six afraid of seven?

  Because seven ate nine!

  If any non-native speakers are having trouble with the joke's answer, it's just that 'ate' is similar to 'eight' which is the number that follows seven in sequence. In other words it would be 6 to 7 to 8 to 9.

[Muthoni]

I heard this joke and it made me gasp. A man goes to the market and sees the devil there. The devil calls him over. In fear the man rushes home and borrows his master’s horse to run and hide in the woods. Later on the man’s master goes to the market and finds the devil still there. He asks him why he was bothering his servant. The devil says that he wanted to ask the man what he was doing in the market because he was supposed to meet him in the woods.

[takibari]

This one's a bit mean, but I find it really funny.

In a classroom:

Teacher: Today's we're going to talk about 'tenses'. Now, if I say "I am beautiful." What tense is it?

Students: Obviously, it's a past tense.

This one's a bit lame, but still funny:

Q: How do you comfort a grammar nazi?

A: Their, there, they're.

LOL on this one, but it seriously says something about perspective:

A teacher writes on a chalkboard the sentence:

    A woman without her man is nothing

The teacher then asks the boys to punctuate it properly, and they all write:

  A woman, without her man, is nothing

The teacher asks the girls to punctuate it and they write:

  "A woman: without her, man is nothing"

[xTinx]

I particularly love this English joke slash insult (allegedly an exchange between Sir Winston Churchill and Nancy Astor) because of the former's witty and eloquent response. Here goes:

On one of the recent warm days a sour-visaged, fussy lady got on one of the smoking seats on an open car in the subway.

Next to her sat a man who was smoking a cigar. More than that, the lady, sniffing, easily made out that the man had been eating onions. Still more than that, she had the strongest kind of suspicion that he had been drinking beer. The lady fussed and wriggled, and grew angrier, and looked at the man scornfully. Presently she could endure it no longer. She looked squarely at him and said:

    “If you were my husband, sir, I’d give you a dose of poison!”

    The man looked at her. “If I were your husband,” said he, “I’d take it!”

 

[Litnax]

A man is talking to God.

 

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"

God: "To me, it's about a minute."

The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"

God: "To me it's a penny."

The man: "God, may I have a penny?"

God: "Wait a minute."

 I really this one. I would like A PENNY GOD!

[Trellum]

@litnax  Nice to see you back, long time no see!  Glad you liked the joke, you might also like this: http://theoatmeal.com/  Lots of funny and informative comics in english. I love it, because they make you laugh and think       But be careful, I have spent a lot time on that site without even realizing it very often    By the way, his sense of humor can be a bit crude sometimes. 

 

 

[Tyrell]

You wan an English joke? Try David Cameron.
Just kidding. He is a joke though. I like knock knock jokes the most. But other than that, here's some:

• I think I want a job cleaning mirrors. It's just something I could really myself doing.
• What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
• "Could you please call me a taxi?" "You're a taxi."
• If you ever get cold, just stand in a corner for a bit. They're usually around 90 degrees.
• What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
• My grandpa has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
• Two cats are swimming across a river. One is named "One two three" and the other is named "Un deux trois". Who makes it across? One two three, because Un deux trois cat sank.
• Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calendar? They each got six months.

Got them from a popular joke site called 9Gag. Yes, I re-typed them.

[-su-]

"You are the joke" That's my favorite one.

[Amelie]

Mom: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"

Daughter: "First day? You mean I have to go back tomorrow?"

 

[atanas.velikov]

Some of these jokes are utterly hilarious!! This is proper, dry English humor. I mean our humor varies across England but when someone comes at me with a joke, it reminds of where I'm from and it does make me laugh. It actually took me a minute or two to get some of these, shows how my humor as changed.

[hungary93]

What's the difference in a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants?

Ones a crusty bus station, the others a busty crustacean.